Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

Good morning, Students,

Up to this point, you’ve had no idea which candidate I — a single, urban, feminist, anti-racist, female-identifying, liberal academic — supported in this election.

I won’t reveal my political stance today, either. The Biden/Harris victory is neither “good” nor “bad” and no political position is “better” than another. Choosing an accomplished woman of color to hold the second most powerful position in the free world isn’t better than grabbing women by their pussies; it’s just different. …

Like most Americans, I am thrilled that the CDC has greenlighted mask removal for those of us who are vaccinated. There’s so much I can’t wait to do: shop at Target unfettered, smile at babies in the grocery store, emote awkwardness at faculty meetings by locking eyes with someone and baring all my teeth in a “this is cringy!” expression.

But mostly, I can’t wait to start touching people’s faces again.

Since this is all so new, I thought I better make sure I was clear on University policy before just going all hog-wild on people’s faces. …

Image credit: Wikimedia Commons

Dear Valued Amazon Prime Member:

Beginning Spring 2021, Amazon Prime will begin stocking and delivering sex workers. We’re harnessing all of Prime’s customer service and logistics to meet your sex worker needs, just in time for summer. Sex worker procurement and delivery is a natural fit for Amazon Prime and will allow us to capitalize on many things we already do very well. We have so many trucks.

In addition to trucks, we have warehouse space in which to house our “sex-working associates,” storage-lockers for immediate local pickups, and a strong and well-documented history of worker exploitation and abusive labor…

The mental calculations helping me make sense of my grief

Photo: Artur Debat / Getty Images

I think I knew she was dead before I knew she was dead. But the human mind is a stretchy and abstract thing when confronted with particular combinations of variables.

9:00 Saturday night, early January: My friend’s husband calls. She is “missing.” She has been missing for about 21 hours. We begin the math: They won’t look for her until it’s been 24 hours. He’ll wait three more hours to call. Could I try to contact her?

I text her and then stare at my phone, waiting for the message to flip from “delivered” to “read,” because she always uses…

Hey, Baby. Are you tired of sharing your adjunct with 500 other students spread across four different universities? Do you want an adjunct who has the time to actually read your writing? Who will even give you individual feedback for a small additional tip on top of your monthly subscription fee? You won’t be just be a square on the standardized rubric to me, Sweet Thing.

I’ll grade your essays with my sexy red pen in ways that are responsive and student-centered, if ya know what I mean. What I mean is that if you write a comma splice, I…

Written by Christopher Shelley and Jennie Young

Photo by Vera Arsic from Pexels

He didn’t “get” me, but Tinder was too scary because of the virus and it was easier to just get back together.

She gets who I was, but not who I am or who I’m going to be after the pandemic ends. But then she taught me how to make Tik-Tok videos, so I mean, I had to stay with her.

He developed a foot fetish, so we broke up, but there’s so much downtime right now and I didn’t want to have to pay for my own Netflix account.

He wanted to…

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Kaylee Carmichael, a 28-year-old single food critic for a New York City newspaper, goes back to her tiny Wisconsin hometown for Christmas. Unbeknownst to Kaylee, her mother has already engaged in some holiday hijinks by arranging for Kaylee’s high school sweetheart to retrieve her from the train station and deliver her to the family cheese factory. By the end of the drive, which takes seven minutes, Kaylee is in love. Brandon has grown into the perfect male adult: — sweet, wholesome, hardworking, and, as per usual, widowed. He is also polyamorous.

Kaylee doesn’t know what this means but glosses over…

Jennie Young

English professor and humor writer based in Green Bay. McSweeney’s, Points in Case, HuffPost, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Satirist, Human Parts, others.

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