Good morning, Students,

Up to this point, you’ve had no idea which candidate I — a single, urban, feminist, anti-racist, female-identifying, liberal academic — supported in this election.

I won’t reveal my political stance today, either. The Biden/Harris victory is neither “good” nor “bad” and no political position is “better” than another. Choosing an accomplished woman of color to hold the second most powerful position in the free world isn’t better than grabbing women by their pussies; it’s just different. …

In his profile picture, he is dressed as the devil.

The actual devil — not some funny, costume-y sort of devil. The photo is an extreme close-up, and in it, he is wearing plastic fangs and red contacts in his eyes; there is something that looks like blood (or perhaps actual blood) dripping from his fangs and drooling down his chin.

He sent me a “smile.”

Before I blocked him, I read his profile text, which was shockingly articulate and completely typical. …

I’m a single woman. I also have a Ph. D. in rhetoric, so I understand how words work. I decided to put those things together in order to game online dating. Spoiler alert: It worked.

Here’s how I did it.

There are hundreds of sources out there telling you how to write your online dating profile. I took none of their advice, which includes fluffy tips such as “warmth is inviting,” and “leave out the negative and snarky” (my profile was All Snark).

A Couple of Caveats

1. I knew full well that this profile would deter 99% of men, and that was fine with…

Q: Should we be concerned about enrollment for Fall 2021?

A: We should be panicked.

Q: Are we going to lower our admissions criteria again?

A: Duh.

Q: Are there some extra zeroes on the memo about the new Success Coach hires?

A: No. Our university now has 200 full-time faculty members, 600 adjuncts, and 20,000 Success Coaches. That’s two Success Coaches for every student.

Q: How does the University plan to fund the new hires?

A: Our Success Coaches are paid minimum wage, and we hope that the increased retention rates will justify that expenditure. …

Gosh, I’ve been so nervous about freshman orientation, mostly because I’m still breastfeeding.

My mom is going to college with me so that she can keep up with the pumping (obviously I’m no longer feeding from her breasts; we’re not weird). Since I’m 6' 2”, 195 pounds, and exclusively breastfed, I need a lot of milk. Mom spends about 22 hours per day pumping, and since I drink it almost as fast as she can pump and bottle it, we have to spend most of our time together. I’m fine with that — my mom is hilarious.

The first agenda…