Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

Good morning, Students,

Up to this point, you’ve had no idea which candidate I — a single, urban, feminist, anti-racist, female-identifying, liberal academic — supported in this election.

I won’t reveal my political stance today, either. The Biden/Harris victory is neither “good” nor “bad” and no political position is “better” than another. Choosing an accomplished woman of color to hold the second most powerful position in the free world isn’t better than grabbing women by their pussies; it’s just different. …

Photo by Anthony Fomin on Unsplash

Gosh, I’ve been so nervous about freshman orientation, mostly because I’m still breastfeeding.

My mom is going to college with me so that she can keep up with the pumping (obviously I’m no longer feeding from her breasts; we’re not weird). Since I’m 6' 2”, 195 pounds, and exclusively breastfed, I need a lot of milk. Mom spends about 22 hours per day pumping, and since I drink it almost as fast as she can pump and bottle it, we have to spend most of our time together. I’m fine with that — my mom is hilarious.

The first agenda…

Like most Americans, I am thrilled that the CDC has greenlighted mask removal for those of us who are vaccinated. There’s so much I can’t wait to do: shop at Target unfettered, smile at babies in the grocery store, emote awkwardness at faculty meetings by locking eyes with someone and baring all my teeth in a “this is cringy!” expression.

But mostly, I can’t wait to start touching people’s faces again.

Since this is all so new, I thought I better make sure I was clear on University policy before just going all hog-wild on people’s faces. …

Image credit: Wikimedia Commons

Dear Valued Amazon Prime Member:

Beginning Spring 2021, Amazon Prime will begin stocking and delivering sex workers. We’re harnessing all of Prime’s customer service and logistics to meet your sex worker needs, just in time for summer. Sex worker procurement and delivery is a natural fit for Amazon Prime and will allow us to capitalize on many things we already do very well. We have so many trucks.

In addition to trucks, we have warehouse space in which to house our “sex-working associates,” storage-lockers for immediate local pickups, and a strong and well-documented history of worker exploitation and abusive labor…

The mental calculations helping me make sense of my grief

Photo: Artur Debat / Getty Images

I think I knew she was dead before I knew she was dead. But the human mind is a stretchy and abstract thing when confronted with particular combinations of variables.

9:00 Saturday night, early January: My friend’s husband calls. She is “missing.” She has been missing for about 21 hours. We begin the math: They won’t look for her until it’s been 24 hours. He’ll wait three more hours to call. Could I try to contact her?

I text her and then stare at my phone, waiting for the message to flip from “delivered” to “read,” because she always uses…

Jennie Young

English professor and humor writer based in Green Bay. McSweeney’s, Points in Case, HuffPost, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Satirist, Human Parts, others.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store