Heads up, California Closets!! There’s a whole new world of storage needs on the horizon, and you guys are gonna want to get in front of this. Because try finding a place for Harmony or Henry in a studio apartment.
In all these ethical and technological conversations — because we’re apparently now living in a world where it’s impossible to swing a dead robotic cat without hitting an article about sex robots — I feel like we’re ignoring some very obvious logistical challenges.
For example: How exactly does the sexbot craze intersect with the tiny house craze? Has anybody thought about THAT?
Well, I have. And while everyone else is debating the merits of customizable genitalia and whether sexbots will improve or destroy the future of human relationships, I am here to offer some practical solutions, People.
The method of storage is naturally going to vary according to both the means and the inclinations of the sexbot owner. This is a non-issue for people who have either unlimited space and resources or no shame. The Christian Greys of the world can just add their sexbots to their Red Rooms, and some folks might feel perfectly comfortable standing the bot up next to the Swiffer in the broom closet or even furnishing it with its own recliner in the living room.
But if it’s actually true that somewhere between a third and two-thirds of people will someday own a sexbot, then I think we’ve got to assume that at least a significant percentage of those people are going to want to hide their sexbots away, perhaps from their young children.
Women have been squirreling vibrators away in their underwear drawers for over a century, and even if one is found it’s not usually the end of the world (Oh, that’s just Mommy’s funny motorized rabbit toy!), but try explaining to little Timmy what the full-size, anatomically-correct man is doing hiding behind the Christmas decorations (look for my upcoming story: “How to Overcome the Very Specific Childhood Trauma of Discovering Your Parent’s Sex Robot”) and things are going to get super awkward super fast.
So here are some potential solutions to this problem:
- Sex robots should be shipped, fully-assembled, in a large box labeled with something that children and others will naturally find off-putting and therefore non-tempting for exploration (Important Note: NOT refrigerator boxes!!! Children love refrigerator boxes). The box could say something like “Grandma’s Old Clothes to Donate to the Goodwill” or “Extra Parts for the Back-up Sump Pump.”
- With some clever draping, the sexbot could serve the dual purpose of providing sexual pleasure and being a coat-tree for company. Most people don’t use their sexbots when company is over anyway, so this just makes a lot of sense while also not taking up additional room in small living spaces.
- A sofa that’s both elevated and skirted could provide a nifty resting spot for a sexbot, but if you have cats you should be sure that the bot’s power switches are not accessible; this could create awkward situations with guests.
- If neither your children nor your friends are particularly sharp, you could claim to have suddenly developed a burning desire to practice magic and claim that the sexbot is your “practice assistant” — You know, just for while you’re learning, so nobody real gets hurt.
- If both your children and your friends are downright stupid, you could probably get away with simply standing the bot up in front of a window, facing out, and passing it off as a low-cost security measure.
The storage problem is, of course, just one of the sexbot-created dilemmas we’re going to face. I don’t feel qualified to address the other more serious hypotheticals, like where will they sit on airplanes, cargo or cabin? or Can they have their own pets and if so are those pets also robotic? And if we have both sexbots and dogbots, is there a way to share the fun dogbots with the children without clueing them in to the creepy sexbots?
So many questions.