Dear Amazon Prime Members: We’re Adding Sex Workers!

Dear Valued Amazon Prime Member:

Beginning Spring 2021, Amazon Prime will begin stocking and delivering sex workers. We’re harnessing all of Prime’s customer service and logistics to meet your sex worker needs, just in time for summer. Sex worker procurement and delivery is a natural fit for Amazon Prime and will allow us to capitalize on many things we already do very well. We have so many trucks.

In addition to trucks, we have warehouse space in which to house our “sex-working associates,” storage-lockers for immediate local pickups, and a strong and well-documented history of worker exploitation and abusive labor practices. As we said, this is a natural fit.

Before getting into the exciting details, we want to respond to some anticipated objections, most of which were raised during beta testing:

Some of our members are concerned about exploitation of sex-workers. We’d like to remind our members that Amazon Prime will only be distributing already-established sex workers. We do not plan to force anyone into sex work; we’re simply prepared to step in and e̶x̶p̶l̶o̶i̶t̶ support the industry, much like we did with Whole Foods.

Was Whole Foods our idea? No. But it was there and people were buying it, so we streamlined it and made it more accessible to all Americans while also profitable for Amazon; we can do the same for the sex labor market.

Another major concern is the health and safety of our Amazon Prime sex-working associates. It’s true that humane working conditions, client screening, and time off to seek medical care could dramatically reduce risks such as STD exposure. However, it’s also true that these measures cost money and, more importantly, time. When we explained to our beta testers that implementing such measures could require an increase in sex-worker delivery time from 24 to 30 or even 32 hours, they understood what was at stake.

Now that we’ve dealt with the only two drawbacks we could possibly think of, let’s move on to the fun elements of this addition to our menu of services:

Because Prime Wardrobe has been so popular, we’re bringing elements of that program to our sex worker offerings. Prime customers will be able to order up to eight sex workers for a 7-day “try-out” period before committing to buying any.

And as with all Prime purchases, you may return any unwanted sex-workers to your local Kohl’s, where they will be packaged (in boxes with air holes) and shipped back to their origin at no cost to you. We are still working out some kinks (no pun intended) with the Kohl’s return option. Space needs are the primary challenge, although we are also working with Kohl’s to relocate the Prime Returns somewhere away from its typical location in the back corner of the store next to children’s toys.

We hope you’re as excited as we at Amazon Prime are about this new initiative. American capitalism has been a beautiful thing for Jeff Bezos, a beautiful thing for our current employees who in some of our facilities enjoy an injury rate more than six times the industry average, and a beautiful thing for the American public. And now, finally, it’s time to tear down the proverbial “curtain to the back room” once and for all and to make the dreams of capitalism accessible to sex-working people, too.

So go ahead and add to cart and proceed to checkout!

English professor and humor writer based in Green Bay. McSweeney’s, Points in Case, HuffPost, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Satirist, Human Parts, others.

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