In the aftermath of the collapse of the federal government, we, the United Governors** of the United States of America, recently proposed a mandatory nationwide hibernation to take place between the months of September 2020 and March 2021. We’d like to use this press conference to address some of the questions we’ve been getting:
Q: Is this a serious proposal?
CA Governor Gavin Newsom: Yes.
Q: If we’re all hibernating like bears, then the children can’t go to school. Aren’t you worried that halting public education for six months will set us back as a country?
MD Governor Larry Hogan: Back further than THIS? No, no we’re not.
Q: Can humans go six months without eating?
OH Governor Mike DeWine: What? No, you’re allowed to eat. But you must stay inside your homes.
Q: Humans aren’t the same as hibernating bears. Shouldn’t we have a more comprehensive and science-based plan to confront this national disaster?
WA Governor Jay Inslee: Should we? Absolutely. Can we? Apparently not. Look, we tried the science route. We had studies, and data. We had bar graphs. We had neato animations that showed how viruses spread and how to stop that spread. We had . . . we had So Much Science, but Americans were like, “Freedom, blah blah, Hoax, blah, China, blah blah blah, Patriots!, blah, conspiracy, blah . . .” The president at one point suggested “injecting sunlight.” So no, we don’t think the scientific approach is really going to work here.
Q: But hibernation? That seems extreme. Also, boring.
MI Governor Gretchen Whitmer: Hibernation is not anyone’s ideal plan, but cooperation and common sense have proved unachievable for the collective American public. We need to address that, and we will, after the hibernation.
Q: Have you consulted with bears about this plan? Can they give us tips?
NY Governor Andrew Cuomo: What? No, goddammit, we’re not actually going to BE bears — the hibernation reference was just to help you understand . . . forget it. This is not about bears. This is about getting everyone to stay the hell in one place and quit giving each other COVID so that we can shut the virus down and move on like other civilized countries have done. Okay? Not about bears.
Q: Can we homeschool our children during hibernation? Because bears homeschool their children entirely, and they still generally turn out to be very good at being bears.
[Dumfounded silence from Governors . . .]
MA Governor Charlie Baker: Actually, no. No, from this point forward, no American is allowed to homeschool their children, for reasons that are becoming shockingly obvious as this press conference unfolds.
Q: I’m worried that my golden retriever will be attacked by the bears. Do you have a plan for this?
NY Governor Andrew Cuomo: THERE ARE NO BEARS!!! Good God, what is wrong with all of you?! Do you have COVID right now? Are you all delirious? Sweet Jesus.
Q: I’m allergic to bears. Will you be providing masks for those of us who are allergic to bears to wear during the mandatory hibernation? I feel it’s my right to wear a mask all the time to protect myself from bear dander.
[Governors speak quietly among themselves, off mike]
NY Governor Andrew Cuomo: Yes, Ma’am. Yes, we are going to provide every single one of you a mask to wear at all times to protect you from bear dander or anything else you might be allergic to. We agree that mask-wearing is a right, and we the United Governors of the United States of America consider your individual needs and preferences to be our absolute top priority during this time of mass global death.
[The People cheer. The governors look at each other and then quickly look away. They exit the platform while the people begin to talk about what kind of masks they might like. Someone suggests bear masks so that they will fit in better with bears during the hibernation. The governors leave with an entirely new understanding of what has gone wrong during this pandemic. They vow to allocate more public funding — “a shitload more,” someone was overhead to say — to public education and specifically to the Humanities.]
- **United Governors does not include Arizona, Texas, or Florida. Arizona is trying its own plan (which is not going well — shocker); Texas seceded; and there aren’t enough Floridians remaining to really make a whole state anymore.