Feathers in the Attic: a PSA from Mimi the Falcon

To the UWGB University Community,

I realize that last year’s announcement was destabilizing for many of you — you thought Rupert and I would be together forever, that in a virus-riddled world of chaos and darkness, you could at least count on this one stable falcon family to ground you and comfort you.

That was naive of you, and, frankly, a little exploitative and human-centric.

But I digress. The reason for this year’s statement is to address the rumors since Rupert’s departure and my subsequent coupling with Leopold.

I’ve heard the whispers, the gossip, the innuendo: Don’t Mimi and Leopold look a lot alike? Doesn’t Leopold seem a little YOUNG for her?

I’ve heard it all. And I am not ashamed. And if you thought that was the extent of the scandal, well . . . Listen to this and try not to choke on your cheese curds:

Leopold is my son.

And the father of my children.

And the half-brother of my children.

And of my grandchildren, also, I guess. It’s complicated.

BUT: It’s not unusual in falcon communities! I am an academic falcon, and I can hyperlink sources.

So stop being all judgy and moralistic.

I get it — everybody wants to watch the livestream and witness the banding and coo over the fluffy little falcon chicks, but nobody wants to reckon with the backstory of how they came into being.

I can’t protect you from this any longer. I need you to do better, to cast aside your normative and regressive thinking patterns and accept Leopold and me as the legitimate parents of our children (and, as I said above, of Leopold’s half-siblings and of my grandchildren).

We’re beautiful, our family is beautiful, albeit inbred, and I know that you all are beautiful enough humans to embrace us as the pillars of this community that we are and will continue to be.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Mimi the Falcon

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Jennie Young

Jennie Young

Professor and humor writer in Green Bay. McSweeney’s, HuffPost, Education Week, Inside Higher Ed, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Satirist, Human Parts, others.