Florida Manatees Pause Beach Orgies to Address Resident Concerns

Photo credit: Orlando Weekly

“Manatee mating rituals, which typically include 10–15 manatees at a time, are tremendously athletic and sometimes verge on violent.” ~ “Florida Cops Beg Residents to Stop Calling 911 About Manatee Sex,” Men’s Journal, August 3, 2023.

We’re not here to apologize. What we do on the beach, while admittedly difficult to watch, is perfectly natural in the manatee community. The fact that you all keep reporting us to the police, despite several public service announcements begging you not to, says a lot more about you than us.

Listen up, Florida: This is what happens when you ban books and gut sex-ed programs and kill DEI initiatives. You end up with a citizenry who loses its collective shit at the first sign of non-vanilla, nonbinary, non-hetero sexual expression. You have to admit it’s kind of funny that the state who enacted a “Don’t Say Gay” law now has to shield its sandcastle-building children from witnessing “Monty the Manatee” barebacking another dude right in front of them in broad daylight. The gays are really getting the last laugh on this one, don’t you think? Ha ha! And no one had to “say” anything at all.

This is a great opportunity for the State of Florida to interrogate its own culpability in this and a lot of other situations. If you honestly believe your children are incapable of confronting a book like Heather Has Two Mommies without becoming psychologically destabilized and/or agents of the devil, then of course you’re disturbed by witnessing hours and hours of large marine mammals having violent bisexual orgies on the beach.

It’s a bit of a Greek tragedy, isn’t it? How you’ve tried so ridiculously hard to control all aspects of human sexuality only to get blindsided by a bunch of giant sea potatoes having fuckfests on your beach?

But back to the matter at hand: Please stop calling 911. Asking law enforcement to intervene in our mating rituals is absurd, though we guess it seems absurd only to the degree that one is able to willfully disregard the general absurdity of this state’s behaviors surrounding anything to do with sex, race, education, guns, abortion, immigration, and Disneyworld.

In closing, we’d like to suggest three alternative areas of focus upon which you might…