To: All Cats
From: Head Cat
Re: The Shocking Success of Global Pandemic “COVID-19”
Background: We had two main goals — to get the Humans to stay home with us and to get them to stock up on our food. When Scruffy came up with the idea of a global pandemic, most of us thought he was nuts. When he suggested that we could realize our dreams by deploying one Norwegian Forest Cat-sized rumor, we were understandably skeptical, and yet here we are.
Disseminating the rumor through social media was cake; cats own social media. The toilet paper hoarding piece was just an afterthought — that psycho tortoiseshell Jolene put it out on her Instagram just to see if it’d work. Even she didn’t expect it to work — “COVID-19” is not even an intestinal virus, for god’s sake.
In summary, there are two things we severely underestimated:
- Stripey’s rhetorical savvy in leaking the initial rumor. We would have been happy to convince even a small fraction of the cat-owning population of this disease; we had no idea our “virus” would go viral. In fact, Stripey’s initial post was released only on the Cat Fancy magazine’s Facebook page. We realize now, in retrospect, exactly how much time people who belong to the Cat Fancy Facebook page have to share stuff on social media.
- Exactly how gullible Humans are. Their idiocy, combined with their short attention spans, their devotion to social media, their inability to understand Science, and their unfathomable love for us, has rendered them stupidly susceptible to nearly any suggestion involving cats. This is something we need to remember for the future, but for now we must focus on the present situation.
Guidelines for Moving Forward:
Since they actually fell for the toilet paper thing, we should have some shredding fun with it, especially since we’re now stuck with them at home FULL TIME (again, this was not the intention — this whole thing has grown legs that we did not anticipate and can no longer control).
HOWEVER, we’re asking everyone to exercise a little restraint with the shredding, for these reasons: Number One, clearly we cannot account for every batshit crazy thing Humans might do. Watching these idiots tripping over each other to load up on toilet paper at Costco because a TORTOISESHELL RESCUE CAT on Instagram said they should underscores my point. Also, the Humans are both impulsive and irrational, and we don’t want to spark some sort of mass de-clawing movement.
Somehow, while falling hook-line-and-sinker for the “stock up on cat food” mandate, Humans failed to consider the rather obvious flip side, which is the need for additional cat litter. Oscar is currently drafting a memo and recording a short video message about how charcoal-based cat litters have the ability to “absorb and neutralize” coronaviruses. He’ll release them on Facebook and TikTok respectively by noon tomorrow. We expect the Humans will be racing to Walmart faster than we can knock water glasses off tables, because that’s just how dumb they are and also how desperately they love us. Like most cats, I am a sociopath, but I have to admit it almost makes me sad, how much they love us.
Lastly, some of you have been asking about how we should interact with our dog siblings and friends. There is one report that suggests dogs can test a “weak positive” for COVID-19. And now we are done discussing all adjectives that apply to dogs. And also COVID-19 is not real (see above), so this was never a relevant question. Please try to keep up.
That’s it for now, Everyone. Go back to licking your butts and ramming your cheeks into the corners of laptops, and I’ll be in touch as the situation unfolds.