My Feminist Cat Hates My Boyfriend

This is Jolene. She hates all men, but especially my boyfriend, Aaron.

This is how Jolene looks when Aaron tries to address her:

“It is not possible for me to be less interested in anything than I am in you.”

One of the reasons Jolene hates Aaron is that Aaron insists on calling her ridiculous names:

“Jo-fat”

“Jo-leer”

“Jo-leap”

Jolene does not allow Aaron to touch her. Last night he touched her by accident (through a blanket), and she immediately stole his pants from the bedroom and put them in the living room:

“Perhaps this will suggest to Aaron that he is not wanted here.”

As soon as Aaron arrives in our apartment, Jolene goes into her office, which is this cabinet (she opens and closes the door herself):

Here is Jolene glaring at Aaron from inside her office:

“Aaron is violating my boundaries.”

This is Jolene with her best friend, Willow (Willow is a girl dog):

“Willow and I are dreaming that Aaron will go away forever.”

Here is a picture of the day Jolene took over the Universe:

“Girl Power.”

English professor and humor writer based in Green Bay. McSweeney’s, Points in Case, HuffPost, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Satirist, Human Parts, others.

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