Relationship Tips for 2022 According to Your Assigned Google Docs Anonymous Animal
Google’s algorithms know you better than you know yourself. What does your Anonymous Animal assignment suggest about how you could improve your love life?
Anonymous Badger: You come on too strong. Try to dial back the texts.
Anonymous Blobfish: The pandemic was hard on everyone, but now it’s time to go back to the gym. When your body can be accurately described as a “gelatinous mass,” it’s time to try some HIIT.
Anonymous Quokka: Smiling is good. Smiling ALL THE TIME is creepy. Work on developing expressions appropriate to the situation.
Anonymous Beaver: Try not to be so destructive. Nobody wants to have you over because you can’t act right. Maybe carry dowel rods or some other woody snack so you’re not tempted to gnaw your date’s IKEA Billy shelves.
Anonymous Camel: Stop spitting on your dates when you talk.
Anonymous Wombat: Cube-shaped poop is unique, but keep that trick in your back pocket for now. Everyone wants to feel special, but you don’t need to reveal everything on Date One.
Anonymous Narwhal: STOP singing this god-awful song. Normal people don’t have theme songs, and neither should you.
Anonymous Unicorn: Your name has become euphemistic for “too good to be real,” so you may be making people suspicious. Just call yourself a horse and let them be pleasantly surprised.
Anonymous Koala: You need to expand your horizons. Nobody wants to eat eucalyptus for every single meal.
Anonymous Pumpkin: Google offers upwards of 70 different Anonymous Animals. The fact that it assigned you “Pumpkin,” the only non-animal, does not bode well. Take this year off to work on yourself.