We Are Lobsters, and We’re Ending Our Contract with Dr. Jordan Peterson

We’ve decided to come forward because this lobster-mascot situation has spun out of control.

Dr. Peterson’s fans, most of whom identify as “men’s rights advocates” but whom we’ll refer to as Incels for the sake of brevity and also for the sake of accuracy, are snatching up “lobster merch” as though their delusional, white-privileged lives depend upon it. There are entire pages on Amazon filled with lobster t-shirts — lobsters telling you to clean your room, lobsters telling you to stand up straight, lobsters stacked in a pyramid to visually symbolize “the dominance hierarchy.” It’s creepy. We do like the fame, but this particular fan base is getting too weird.

As you may know, Dr. Peterson uses our species to represent male-female dynamics in human relationships, and specifically how it pays off to be an alpha male because that’s what the ladies go for. He also reveals that big, strong, desirable male lobsters are total dicks. An in-demand male lobster, according to Dr. Peterson, “parades his dominance around his territory, rousting subordinate lobsters from their shelters at night, just to remind them who’s their daddy.” This is ridiculous, of course. Nobody’s “rousting subordinates” or trash talking about “daddies,” for god’s sakes. We’re lobsters. We live in the bottom of the ocean.