News Director: [enters green room to the sound of whooping, hollering, and high-fiving, and clears his throat. The room quiets.]
News Director: Okay, everyone, now that the news is out, I want to talk about our collective tone in delivering it to the American public. This is dicey territory, given our previous coverage of Herman Cain along with Cain’s own behavior and political career.
Wolf Blitzer: Of course. This is a tragic and solemn event, and we need to broadcast it accordingly.
News Director: Then you need to stop grinning, Wolf. Chris, it’s you I’m most worried about. We’ve given you a lot of leeway since you caught COVID because we were afraid you might die and because for whatever reason your ranting drives ratings up. Also you’re the best looking. But I’m serious, nothing but straight faces and extreme reverence tonight, got it?
Chris Cuomo: Got it, Boss! [falls off chair laughing]
News Director: Lemon, I’m concerned about you too. What’s your lead-in to the story going to be?
Don Lemon: “Trump crony and outspoken anti-masker dies of COVID-19 as a result of attending the Trump rally in Tulsa”??
News Director: No.
Don Lemon: Can we say that “it’s unknown where Herman Cain contracted the coronavirus” *while* showing HIS OWN TWEET of him sitting in an entirely unmasked crowd of people at the Trump rally in Tulsa?
News Director: Ummm . . . okay. But try to look sad while you’re saying it. Sanjay, can you say with any degree of confidence that Cain *most likely* contracted COVID-19 at the Trump rally, given the timeline?
Sanjay Gupta: There’s no way to say with any certainty that Herman Cain caught COVID at the rally. Also, I’m absolutely sure that he did. I mean, look at him, just sitting there in that tweet breathing in and out, in and out. You don’t need to be a rich, famous, handsome neurologist to know what happened here.
Chris Cuomo: [hugs Sanjay and tells him he loves him]
Sanjay Gupta: [smiles but looks a little nervous about being so close to Chris]
Chris Cuomo: [heads for Don Lemon with arms outstretched]
News Director: Wait, where’s Erin Burnett?
News Director: Wolf, where’s Erin?
Wolf Blitzer: Umm, in her dressing room.
News Director: What’s she doing?
Wolf Blitzer: Sewing?
News Director: What do you mean, she’s sewing?
Wolf Blitzer: Well, she’s more like sticking pins into a tiny doll.
News Director: Wolf Blitzer, are you telling me Erin Burnett, the lead anchor of OutFront, is practicing VOODOO?!
Wolf Blitzer: Well, she was. Umm, a few days ago. She’s done now. She’s just putting stuff away.
Chris Cuomo: [jumps up and down while still hugging Don Lemon and charges off to Erin’s dressing room like a superhero who’s just conquered a villainous virus]