PinnedThe Narrator of Jessie’s Girl Offers an Apology after Completing His Master’s in Women’s and Gender StudiesThe Narrator of "Jessie's Girl" Offers an Apology after Completing His Master's in Women's and… I want to begin by owning my white male privilege and apologizing to the American public, in particular to the woman…www.mcsweeneys.netHumor1 min readHumor1 min read
PinnedHow to Apply “No-Makeup Makeup”: A Guide for Mature WomenHow to Apply "No-Makeup" Makeup: A Guide for Mature Women 1. Gather lots of makeup. However much makeup you think it will take to achieve the no-makeup look, it will take far…www.mcsweeneys.net1 min read1 min read
PinnedPrayer of the Assistant Professor Going up for TenurePrayer of the Assistant Professor Going up for Tenure Please, Tenure Gods of My Institution, please find it within Yourselves to grant me tenure by looking to your own…www.mcsweeneys.netSatire1 min readSatire1 min read
PinnedJesus Christ Applies For VP of Student SuccessJesus Christ Applies for VP of Student Success To the Hiring Committee: My name is Jesus Christ, and I am applying for the posted position of Vice President of…www.mcsweeneys.net1 min read1 min read
PinnedOf All Your Teaching Skills, Passion is the Most ImportantOf All Your Teaching Skills, Passion Is the Most Important Dear Prospective Teacher, Are you passionate? I mean, REALLY passionate? Are you so passionate it hurts? Because here's…www.mcsweeneys.netEducation1 min readEducation1 min read
Aug 30Online Dating Was Hell. Then I Tried 1 Thing That Turned Out To Be A Total Game Changer.Online Dating Was Hell. Then I Tried 1 Thing That Turned Out To Be A Total Game Changer. "The women I know are suddenly meeting men who are respectful and relationship-minded, and we're actually going out on…www.huffpost.comWomen1 min readWomen1 min read
Aug 21CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW ACADEMIC POSITION OF ASSISTANT PROFESSOR OF ANNUAL REVIEWS, MERIT REVIEWS, PEER REVIEWS, STUDENT EVALUATIONS, TENURE REVIEW, POST-TENURE REVIEW, AND [YOUR DISCIPLINE]Congratulations on Your New Academic Position of Assistant Professor of Annual Reviews, Merit… Welcome to our faculty. We have recently changed our titling norms to more accurately reflect how you will allocate…www.mcsweeneys.netHigher Education1 min readHigher Education1 min read
Aug 15Member-onlyFrustrated with the Apps? Try the “Burned Haystack” Dating MethodI’m going to introduce you to a method called “Burned Haystack Dating.” It’s far more effective and efficient than what most people do — but before I explain it, you must understand a few things: The method was developed as a result of an academic research project that is entirely…Dating5 min readDating5 min read
Aug 11Member-onlyFlorida Manatees Pause Beach Orgies to Address Resident Concerns“Manatee mating rituals, which typically include 10–15 manatees at a time, are tremendously athletic and sometimes verge on violent.” ~ “Florida Cops Beg Residents to Stop Calling 911 About Manatee Sex,” Men’s Journal, August 3, 2023. We’re not here to apologize. What we do on the beach, while admittedly difficult…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Jul 31Member-onlyIs There a “Boring” Filter on this Dating App? Three Clues You Should Swipe LeftI once sat through a date that featured a lecture on the finer points of wastewater ditch engineering (my date was a civil engineer, but good god: I’m an English professor, and I didn’t go on and on about standard versus conjunctive adverbs). …Women5 min readWomen5 min read