How to Apply "No-Makeup" Makeup: A Guide for Mature Women 1. Gather lots of makeup. However much makeup you think it will take to achieve the no-makeup look, it will take far…www.mcsweeneys.net

Prayer of the Assistant Professor Going up for Tenure Please, Tenure Gods of My Institution, please find it within Yourselves to grant me tenure by looking to your own…www.mcsweeneys.net

Jesus Christ Applies for VP of Student Success To the Hiring Committee: My name is Jesus Christ, and I am applying for the posted position of Vice President of…www.mcsweeneys.net

Of All Your Teaching Skills, Passion Is the Most Important Dear Prospective Teacher, Are you passionate? I mean, REALLY passionate? Are you so passionate it hurts? Because here's…www.mcsweeneys.net

Online Dating Was Hell. Then I Tried 1 Thing That Turned Out To Be A Total Game Changer. "The women I know are suddenly meeting men who are respectful and relationship-minded, and we're actually going out on…www.huffpost.com

Congratulations on Your New Academic Position of Assistant Professor of Annual Reviews, Merit… Welcome to our faculty. We have recently changed our titling norms to more accurately reflect how you will allocate…www.mcsweeneys.net

I’m going to introduce you to a method called “Burned Haystack Dating.” It’s far more effective and efficient than what most people do — but before I explain it, you must understand a few things: The method was developed as a result of an academic research project that is entirely…

“Manatee mating rituals, which typically include 10–15 manatees at a time, are tremendously athletic and sometimes verge on violent.” ~ “Florida Cops Beg Residents to Stop Calling 911 About Manatee Sex,” Men’s Journal, August 3, 2023. We’re not here to apologize. What we do on the beach, while admittedly difficult…

I once sat through a date that featured a lecture on the finer points of wastewater ditch engineering (my date was a civil engineer, but good god: I’m an English professor, and I didn’t go on and on about standard versus conjunctive adverbs). …