PinnedThe Narrator of Jessie’s Girl Offers an Apology after Completing His Master’s in Women’s and Gender StudiesThe Narrator of "Jessie's Girl" Offers an Apology after Completing His Master's in Women's and… I want to begin by owning my white male privilege and apologizing to the American public, in particular to the woman…www.mcsweeneys.netHumor1 min readHumor1 min read
PinnedHow to Apply “No-Makeup Makeup”: A Guide for Mature WomenHow to Apply "No-Makeup" Makeup: A Guide for Mature Women 1. Gather lots of makeup. However much makeup you think it will take to achieve the no-makeup look, it will take far…www.mcsweeneys.net1 min read1 min read
PinnedPrayer of the Assistant Professor Going up for TenurePrayer of the Assistant Professor Going up for Tenure Please, Tenure Gods of My Institution, please find it within Yourselves to grant me tenure by looking to your own…www.mcsweeneys.netSatire1 min readSatire1 min read
PinnedJesus Christ Applies For VP of Student SuccessJesus Christ Applies for VP of Student Success To the Hiring Committee: My name is Jesus Christ, and I am applying for the posted position of Vice President of…www.mcsweeneys.net1 min read1 min read
PinnedOf All Your Teaching Skills, Passion is the Most ImportantOf All Your Teaching Skills, Passion Is the Most Important Dear Prospective Teacher, Are you passionate? I mean, REALLY passionate? Are you so passionate it hurts? Because here's…www.mcsweeneys.netEducation1 min readEducation1 min read
Published inThe Monocle of Higher Ed·May 23Member-onlyIntroducing “Boundary Crossings,” Our New Student-Success SoftwareBoundary Crossings™ is the most robust and terrifying student-tracking and success software available in higher education. Your first question might be, “Whose boundaries are going to be crossed?” The short answer to that is, “Everyone’s.” Definitely students’, that goes without saying, but faculty and staff may experience significant discomfort as…Satire3 min readSatire3 min read
May 20Member-onlyDating App Convos to Ditch: Here’s How You KnowThis article is not about the exchanges that are in-your-face hellish — the offensive, aggressive, hostile, downright-insane conversations; that decision is easy — block him. This story is about the *rest* of the dating app convos (the unfortunate *most* of them). I work with women who are fed up with…Women4 min readWomen4 min read
May 9Member-onlyBilly Joel’s “She’s Got a Way About Her,” Edited by Men on Dating Apps*with apologies to Billy Joel She’s got a way about her I don’t know what it is because I didn’t actually read her profile But I know that I can’t live life to the fullest without her as my partner in crime She’s got a way of pleasin’ I don’t…Women3 min readWomen3 min read
Apr 28Member-onlyYour Dating Profile is Fine. It’s the Way You’re Managing Your Apps That Isn’t WorkingLike many single women who are searching for long-term partners, I had set up carefully-curated Hinge and Match.com profiles, and I doggedly scrolled and swiped, messaged and liked, all of it adding up to absolutely nothing except lost time and compromised mental health. I kept thinking, we’ve got to be…Women5 min readWomen5 min read
Apr 10Member-onlyAs a Middle-aged Man on a Dating App, I Would Like to Show How Modern I am by Quoting a Book Published in 1992Hi Ladies. I get it: you’re sick of meeting men who are “afraid of commitment” or “really busy with work” or any of the other fairy tales my gender loves to tell. Most of all, you’re done with guys who are emotionally unavailable and unevolved. I realize that most of…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read